Girls, all I really want is girls, And in the morning it’s girls..

Girls who rock climb… we’ve all seen them, and well, we all like them. But… I have some issues. Often times, I have trouble meeting members of the opposite sex. This is especially girlsdifficult for us rock climbers because our sport is dominated by sweaty guys with their shirts off, grunting, and constantly adjusting their beanies in case they’ve become askew after that gnarly V5 dyno problem. We revert back to primitive peacocks, shaking our tail feathers, desperate to receive any attention from the illusive female climber. I am guilty of this. You are guilty of this. However, try as we might, most girls simply don’t even bat an eye. They ignore us, they pity us, they snicker behind our backs. But who’s to blame? Why do we keep trying to nab that unicorn?

  • Lululemon: Are you kidding me? Are we honestly supposed to believe those pants that you’re wearing are more comfortable, and make you climb harder? Out of curiosity, I once tried on a pair of these booty-enhancing gifts from god, and let me tell you: in no way, shape, or form, was I able to climb harder, or more comfortably. I just felt like a piece of meat. Ladies, if you want us to stare at you like we’re staring at the sun, lose the lulu’s, and put on some sweat pants like the rest of us.
  • Sports Bras: Notice how they’re still called bras? That’s because they are supposed to be worn underneath your shirt, not in place of it. Now, I love watching girls climb in these just as much as the next guy, but I don’t need to be thinking about jugs while I’m climbing on crimps, so please: bra goes under shirt.
  • Beta?: Out in the real world, when a pretty girl comes up to you out of the blue and starts talking to you, your next move is probably going to be asking them out. At the climbing gym, when a pretty girl you don’t know starts asking you for beta, deafening alarms start going off in the male mind. “SHE LIKES YOU, SHE LIKES YOUR MUSCLES, SHE LOVES YOUR BEANIE” – ladies, do not be surprised when after you ask us for beta, we spend an unreasonable amount of time spotting you, adding you on Facebook, and asking if you wan’t to climb some time (so we can show you our proj).
  • Blame the reach: Saying you can’t do a move because your arms aren’t long enough, is the same as me saying I can’t get a date because I’m too attractive to girls, and they are intimidated by me. If you have long arms, you can make bigger reaches, yes, but you also probably get squished and fall off of moves that require smaller holds, and more dexterity. Ashima has the arm span of a Poodle, and she can climb V13. You have an average arm span, and tiny little fingers that can shake out on crimps I can’t even hold. I have sausage links on my hands.

Girls are great. Girls who climb are better, but for God’s sake, pay some attention to me, would ya?

Wes

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22 thoughts on “Girls, all I really want is girls, And in the morning it’s girls..

  1. Wes, women don’t dress for you, they dress for other ladies and they want what they can’t have. You have to combine these two facts to be successful in the lady department. Here’s what you need to do. Find a couple friends with smoking hot ladies or avail yourself to an escort service to procure these needed hotties. Dress them in too tight spandex and too little “sport bras” and bring them with you to the gym for a month or two. It’s important that you ignore the other ladies in the gym. In no time you’ll raise your value with the gym ladies and have them lined up bringing you ham sandwiches, because you my brother have obviously got it going on. Guaranteed.

    Remember, girls are warm so why knott be warmed

    Liked by 1 person

    • See what I mean Wes? The ladies are already lining up. Why one beautiful lady is offering you her description in the hopes of making your acquaintance.

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  2. Hmm… I believe the reason why you don’t have a ladyfriend is because you say that about women.

    Pretty sure I’m not thinking about men when I’m climbing or wearing anything tight…. generally I find my lycra much more flexible and comfortable to climb.

    Maybe stop thinking about/looking at the girls who climb, and focus on your own climbing? Then maybe a ‘girl-who-climbs’ will look at you. Maybe.

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  3. Just rehearse a speech about the 5.12 you “sent” (where sent means you fell on toprope, but don’t tell her that, she might think you mean the normal definition) and also include the intensive training you’ve had as a gym toprope instructor. She’ll be so impressed, she’ll wear whatever you want her to when she climbs. I mean, she’s currently dressed the way another male climber asked her to. All you have to do is beat that guy’s story and you’re in.

    Another note. I’m sure this won’t be a problem for you because you’re advancing so much faster than anyone else at your gym and will certainly be the strongest climber there, if not the strongest climber in the universe, in no time at all. But just in case, you should never, under any circumstances, approach a woman who is a stronger climber than you are. She’ll never pay attention to you unless she believes, at great risk to her own life of course, that you have the toprope setup skillz to keep her and everyone else around safe. The only people, male or female, who could be convinced of this are ones who are very new to climbing, so select for women with especially weak arms and poor technique. And don’t ever let her read this blog.

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  4. sorry forgot half a sentence there, I meant meet you in person and have nothing to do with you.

    Unless, actually, you’re 16. In which case a lot of this makes sense, and I’d feel mean. A little. Well maybe not so much. The hot pink from my sports bra tends to make my wittle thoughts awl confused unless a big stwrong man comes.

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  5. Dude. Girls are underage. You may be a child, but some of your readers are adults and should only be having these thoughts about women, never girls.

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  6. I find climbing only using RP’s and not climbing over bolted sport routes attracts not only girls but cute girls who put out. As they say ‘Over bolted sport route climber = small dick. Run out RP climber = big dick’

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  7. Do you have the phone number of the climber pictured in your post? My pair of Evolv Pontas climbing shoes recently wore out, but they are now a discontinued model. I’d love to buy the pair this woman owns.

    Thanks!

    Like

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