Girls who rock climb… we’ve all seen them, and well, we all like them. But… I have some issues. Often times, I have trouble meeting members of the opposite sex. This is especially difficult for us rock climbers because our sport is dominated by sweaty guys with their shirts off, grunting, and constantly adjusting their beanies in case they’ve become askew after that gnarly V5 dyno problem. We revert back to primitive peacocks, shaking our tail feathers, desperate to receive any attention from the illusive female climber. I am guilty of this. You are guilty of this. However, try as we might, most girls simply don’t even bat an eye. They ignore us, they pity us, they snicker behind our backs. But who’s to blame? Why do we keep trying to nab that unicorn?
- Lululemon: Are you kidding me? Are we honestly supposed to believe those pants that you’re wearing are more comfortable, and make you climb harder? Out of curiosity, I once tried on a pair of these booty-enhancing gifts from god, and let me tell you: in no way, shape, or form, was I able to climb harder, or more comfortably. I just felt like a piece of meat. Ladies, if you want us to stare at you like we’re staring at the sun, lose the lulu’s, and put on some sweat pants like the rest of us.
- Sports Bras: Notice how they’re still called bras? That’s because they are supposed to be worn underneath your shirt, not in place of it. Now, I love watching girls climb in these just as much as the next guy, but I don’t need to be thinking about jugs while I’m climbing on crimps, so please: bra goes under shirt.
- Beta?: Out in the real world, when a pretty girl comes up to you out of the blue and starts talking to you, your next move is probably going to be asking them out. At the climbing gym, when a pretty girl you don’t know starts asking you for beta, deafening alarms start going off in the male mind. “SHE LIKES YOU, SHE LIKES YOUR MUSCLES, SHE LOVES YOUR BEANIE” – ladies, do not be surprised when after you ask us for beta, we spend an unreasonable amount of time spotting you, adding you on Facebook, and asking if you wan’t to climb some time (so we can show you our proj).
- Blame the reach: Saying you can’t do a move because your arms aren’t long enough, is the same as me saying I can’t get a date because I’m too attractive to girls, and they are intimidated by me. If you have long arms, you can make bigger reaches, yes, but you also probably get squished and fall off of moves that require smaller holds, and more dexterity. Ashima has the arm span of a Poodle, and she can climb V13. You have an average arm span, and tiny little fingers that can shake out on crimps I can’t even hold. I have sausage links on my hands.
Girls are great. Girls who climb are better, but for God’s sake, pay some attention to me, would ya?